Empowerment

By faith I'm going to post my rant here, trusting that fellow caregivers will know what I'm talking about and will benefit from my catastrophe today. God always causes good to come from bad, so that's the bottom line of this post. Well, maybe not. I think the bigger bottom line is that it's all about Him. The more I forget that the worse I do and the worse things are. Oh, by the way, it only seems like I'm jumping on this horse (blog) in mid-stream. I've actually been living this stroke blog all this time without telling you all about it, and that was due to the demanding nature of it all and the addition of Parkinson's to the mix. Also let it be known right up front that the Rock that I stand on and the Breast that I cling to is my Heavenly Father and my Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ. As much as I fail WITH Him, I can't imagine going this alone. I hope I don't lose any of you at this point. I really do need the company. So with that introduction, here goes.

WHEN will I get it through my head/heart that I need God's power each and every day, that each day must start with my relinquishment of hopes, expectations, abilities, et al, and an acknowledgement that I am nothing and powerless without God working in me? It is no different now for me than it was for the Israelites in the wilderness, daily collecting the manna for their sustenance. They could not collect more than they needed for the day's supply because the excess rotted, and they could not collect less because God made whatever they collected enough.  However, somehow my brain won't let go of the notion that prayers last longer than 24 hours (and I'm sure many of them do). Humanly speaking, it seems superstitious to think I have to do it everyday for each day's strength and each day's godly results, but the physiological, spiritual and factual truth is that for every daily function daily energy is needed. We eat, drink and sleep on a 24-hour clock. Why is it such a contrary notion to my brain that I must operate the same way spiritually. This is the biggest duh of my life!! (By way of a parenthetical interjection after God's provided answer the daily nature of the Christian life is central here. I can't successfully walk it except daily, morning by morning delivering myself into His charge.)

Whether it was the lack of prayer and commitment of DH to him this morning that caused the down day or whether it was the lack of depositing myself at His feet this morning for His empowerment is kind of a false choice. It was all of the above and probably more. And it made our first weekend exercising at home in the LSVT© BIG Therapy for Parkinson's a vain effort. It was awful. I was awful. AWFUL! It proved a negative though. I am and can do nothing without Him.

John 15:5New American Standard Bible (NASB) 

5 I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing.

Oh, it's the much fruit that I want but the abiding that I fail at all the time, which just proves that it's not a day-to-day thing but a moment-by-moment thing, an abiding thing, a resting thing, a ceasing to struggle thing, a divesting me of me thing.

Do I dare hope that this crisis will serve as a fix for me? The answer to that one is, "well, if you do, you'll be disappointed again", because there are not fixes apart from God. It's just that I need a fix so badly, and the effort that it will take to rest in Him every single day seems like that proverbial mountain...huge and heavy and locked to the ground. But then when given to Him, mountains do move, don't they? Ah ha! I know the answer to this paradox. PRAYER. I need to get on my knees alone with Him...like right now, and as proven by past experience, I will be fixed. He will fix me in that moment. I will be right with Him and however my circumstance remains it will be in His hands and therefore better.

So thanks for listening to my frustrated rant. Ranting to you, i.e., putting my desperation into words, and giving it to Him made all the difference. I know there are other demanding callings, but mine right now is caregiving, caring for my beloved husband who deserves perfect loving care, and the Lord chose to give him a heartless clod. Now WHY would He do that? Oh, oh, oh, He just answered me from the Gospel of John.

9 As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. (That's me.) 2 His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”

3 “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him. 4 As long as it is day, we must do the works of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. 5 While I am in the world, I am the light of the world.”

The truth is the Lord is ABLE to use a heartless clod like me and make the work redound to His glory. Yes, it's hard to believe and the very thought of it brings tears to my eyes, but it's true.

It truly is such a sweet thing that God does as He chooses, because He is a good, sweet and loving God. Perhaps if My mindset each and every morning is to glorify Him and desire to make Him look good so that others will see Him as He really is, then I, the one seated at the humblest place at the table, will have a blessed day. Along with DH, of course. Ya think?